Exactly three days ago on January 13th, I celebrated my two years since starting my journey to long term sobriety. Even though I’m not technically considered an alcoholic by the truest definition of the word, I did have some issues in the past with binge drinking.  In those times I blacked out in my drinking past, I did have a few instances with over drinking or binge drinking at times, to the point of questioning if I had an issue with alcohol or if I had the potential to become an alcoholic. I have also  blacked more than once from drinking in my life. Most of that was when I was in college in Denver and then Albuquerque, before I learned how to drink socially. I only learned how to drink socially when I lived and studied abroad in Spain for 8 months, during my last year of college. When I was in Spain, drinking socially was the norm. Going out for tapas and a drink is one of the most common ways to socialize in Spanish culture. I never blacked out while drinking the 8 months I was in Spain mostly because I did not drink to get drunk, and there was always free Tapas available to eat while drinking socially at a bar. People in Spain focus on the aspect of socializing more then drinking to get “buzzed” or drunk. It is less common to drink to get drunk and more common to meet with friends to socialize, sip on some wine or have a couple light beers, all  while eating Tapas the entire time. The entire culture drinking is much more sophisticated in Spain. 

More recently, I developed an issue with alcohol and binge drinking after going through some trauma getting out of an abusive on and off relationship I was in for 6 years. I finally got out of that relationship in 2017. I struggled with PTSD for a year and started having issues with my drinking after that. One  of the last times I binge drank was over a span of a few days, in the summer of 2018. I ended up drinking with some friends for the annual “nearly nude” bike ride and had a little too much to drink that day. I accidentally crashed my bike into a bush downtown after blacking out from drinking and lost my friends from the bike ride after that. When I crashed, I was so confused that I called a friend of mine who wasn’t with me during the nearly nude ride, who luckily picked me up and got me home safe. I continued to drink the next day and the day after that until the point I started having suicide ideation after a family dinner. That day, it was the one year death anniversary of my uncle Joey who was only 43 years old when he died, exactly a year before that day from complications due to alcoholism. After binge drinking for several days from the weekend prior, I went to my aunt’s house after a family dinner where I had been triggered by an argument with a family member. I showed up at her house and and told her that I was feeling suicidal and had the intention to hurt myself that night. As I sat there upset and telling her how I felt and what I planned to do once I left, she called the police to come and pick me up and take me to the hospital, where I spent the rest of the night and the next day detoxing. I truly wanted to kill myself that night. I had truly hit rock my rock bottom with my drinking issues and with my mental health. I am so grateful that my aunt helped me get help, help that I never knew I needed before that. My life has changed ever since that incident. 

When I went to the hospital after binge drinking, I didn’t know I was dealing with untreated PTSD, after being in an abusive relationship that I had only finally gotten out of completely the year before. I was given the diagnosis of Complex PTSD, which is a newer diagnosis in the DSM given to people who undergo long term trauma. I was previously diagnosed with major depression and anxiety disorder in college and so the PTSD diagnosis was still new to me. When I went to the hospital in 2018 after binge drinking, I was also still grieving the death of my Grandmother Cora, who died in November of 2016 from metastatic breast cancer. We were very close as she helped raise me. She was also a mother to me in a lot of ways, especially since my alcoholic mother and I had a mostly difficult relationship and who I had been estranged with mostly since my parents divorced when I was 13. 

I want to tell some of my story of what caused my trauma and caused me to loose my control with alcohol. My ex boyfriend, who I have a domestic violence case with, was abusive to me- mentally, emotionally, physically and sexually. Even after he broke up with me in 2012, he continued to stalk and harass me for several years afterwards. I tried to date other men and tried to get away from him on my own but he would always pop back into my life, sometimes by a random phone call from an unknown number or sometimes he would even show up at my work at REI or harass me at the mountain when I was snowboarding. I tried to get away from him on my own for several years, until he assaulted me in the summer of 2017. He was a true stalker, even after he broke up with me and after cheating on me with several women, including an old friend and roommate from college. I found out too late from some people that he had a history of abusing women. Unfortunately, I met him from some former friends I had known from high school and college, none of whom I am friends with anymore. He is a predator in the most true sense of the definition, and he preyed on my weakness and loneliness during the years my grandmother was sick from metastatic breast cancer. He also preyed on the fact that I lacked a strong support system, something I haven’t really had from many friends from my past.

In an unfortunate circumstance of events that led me to be around my ex in the summer of 2017 mostly due to us being around each other because of mutual friends, he assaulted me that summer in 2017. He left me with a brain injury, one in which I couldn’t even drive for a few weeks, on top of other injuries. I had not seen him since our last final breakup, in December of 2016. Scared, broken down, and not sure what to do, I finally called the cops on him and reported the assault and got an order of protection. I had so much evidence against him including pictures of my injuries and other evidence that the judge granted me the protection order immediately. I was lucky he didn’t hurt me to the point of hurting killing me. I didn’t know until a few months after it happened, until I ended up in the hospital after binge drinking, that I was suffering from PTSD. 

After my stint in the hospital from binge drinking and suicide ideation, I was referred to outpatient rehab for 90 days. Since I wasn’t considered a true alcoholic or diagnosed with alcohol use disorder, just a problem occasional binge drinker self medicating and suffering from PTSD and depression, they had me do counseling 2-3 times a week instead of group work. I was then transferred to Solace, a local domestic violence survivor resource center, where I received counseling for several months. I managed to stay sober for six months from the time I was in the hospital until I slipped.

  Unfortunately, in January 2019, I slipped for a few days. A slip is considered a quick going back to substance abuse and then immediately getting back into recovery.  Since I was still in therapy and doing trauma work at the time, I was required to continue maintain sobriety from drinking. After that slip in January of 2019, I then made it 3 months sober and then relapsed in April of 2019. After that, I immediately went back to being sober for a couple of months, before I relapsed again in June. A few days before my relapse in June, my therapist at time time with Solace at the time told me she would be getting a new job and that she needed to refer me to a private therapist to receive more long term therapy. After calling several referrals on the list she gave me, I ended up quitting therapy completely, after the frustration in trying to find a new therapist unsuccessfully.  After that relapse in June, I ended up relapsing for the rest of 2019. I started going out to breweries and drinking wine at home and just abusing alcohol a lot. I thought I could control my drinking, but because of my debilitating PTSD symptoms and my major depression symptoms, I ended up abusing alcohol pretty badly again. I lost my job shortly after my last relapse in June, and then lost a series of jobs thereafter. I spent the next 7 months in a complete and total relapse. In January of 2020, after drinking for  New Years Eve and then loosing my job a few weeks later, I decided I needed to focus on therapy again and get back on the road to recovery. I found a trauma informed therapist and the first thing she told me was I needed to go to AA. She gave me a blue book and a list of meetings and told me her recovery story.  Appalled with the thought of going to AA as I did not consider myself an alcoholic, I argued with her and told her I was not an alcoholic, that I had real actual alcoholics in my family and I was not like them. After working with her for a month and following her suggestions with AA meetings, she refused to do any trauma therapy on me unless I was sober, and that included medical marijuana, which I had also been abusing since I got my card in 2017. Frustrated, I fired her and immediately found a new therapist.