I have almost always dealt with being the odd-man out, ever since I was a kid growing up. I was the new kid every few years and went to several schools growing up, and unlike some of my peers. I have felt lonely most of my life.  Since I was young, I turned to books, music, and writing as my way to escape the extreme loneliness I felt as a child. The first time I realized that people either liked me or hated me for simply being myself was in the fourth grade. I was kind of a nerd and a straight A student since then and through out high school. I was also an athlete. Being me has always made people around me uncomfortable and I have also mostly been uncomfortable in my own skin. Fourth grade was the first time I started getting bullied. Luckily my parents had me transfer to a different school where I went for the rest of elementary. I was content at the public elementary school I went to and made a lot of friends. The friendships were unfortunately mostly short lived and I lost touch with most of them by middle school. I didn’t get to go to the private middle school that most of my friends went to. My parents couldn’t afford to send me to private school. It was off to public middle school, and the start of being outcasted for the rest of my teenage years. 

 In public middle school, the bullying happened again, except this time, it was because of puberty. I went through puberty younger than most of my peers. The bullying started again because girls were jealous of me and my “attractiveness” to the opposite sex, and because I was getting male attention, but also since I was nerdy. Because I was a nerd, I was an easy target for bullies and I wasn’t one of the cool kids because of my nerdiness. After being “jumped” in 7th grade by a group of ghetto girls lead by a girl who was jealous of me because I was friends with a guy she had a crush on, I went to a small private Christian school after that. I thought the bullying would stop there, and it did for a year, but then at the start of 9th grade, it started up again. This time, it was my old best friend, a friend I had since I was in kindergarten, along with her new best friend, who started untrue rumors of me. Our families were even friends; her parents were friends with mine and I was the reason she went to that school in the first place. This old “best friend” was jealous because her crush did not like her but he liked me instead.  The rumors about me spread at the small school like wildfire that semester. I was outcast and slut shamed at the school and ate lunch alone. People at the school would give me dirty looks and call me a whore behind my back when I walked thru the halls. The rumors got so bad that the Pastors had a meeting with my Dad and I to address and clear up these rumors about me and my supposed sexual activity. Unbeknownst to them, I was a virgin at the time. It was an extremely embarrassing and traumatic experience. 

Luckily, the private Christian school I went to shut down that same year of the false accusations against me, because the lead Pastor embezzled money and also confessed to having an affair at the time. The church and school shut down shortly after. It was a huge relief for me and I was ecstatic to go to St. Mikes, where I had friends from the public elementary school I went to from 5th and 6th grade. I thought things would get better once I transferred there and being re-introduced to all my old friends, but that unfortunately did not happen and I wasn’t as warmly accepted or welcomed as I had imagined I would be. The bullying wasn’t as bad there, but the outright social rejection was hard. As everyone would eat lunch with their cliques and groups of friends, I would often eat lunch alone in the bathroom and talk to my boyfriend at the time on my cell phone. I started ditching class and getting in trouble for using my cell phone. I would often ditch classes by call into the school and pretend that I was my mom and leave a voice message that I would be out sick for the day.  Eventually the school caught on to my ditching scheme. Shortly after getting in trouble at St. Mikes, where I only went for 2 years, I  transferred to Santa Fe High, where I was able to finish my studies,  and senior year, I made my schedule so I would only have to be at school half of the day, by work study as a lifeguard at the local pool and taking classes at the local community college. I had a serious relationship for most of high school and we were even engaged at one point. Because of this relationship, which was very codependent and toxic in nature, I didn’t develop close friendships until I transferred to Santa Fe High School during the middle of my junior year of High School.  

Instead of trying harder to make new friends at Santa Fe High School, I clung to an acquaintance who had also just transferred from St. Mikes. We weren’t even friends or hung out at St. Mikes, but we were friendly with each other because our lockers were next to each other at St. Mikes. We became friends at Santa Fe High. I didn’t know what it was like to have a real best friend, as most of mine had abandoned, turned on me, or we grew apart. I admired this friend, and we took many classes together, including photography at the local community college. We tackled socializing at the school the rest of the year together, and also the following senior year. We even went to prom together with a big group of friends. I felt lucky to have a friend like her, but I didn’t realize she didn’t feel the same way about me as a friend. I used to think that when she was making fun of me, that she was just joking, but I didn’t realize the put downs were because she didn’t value me or see me the same way I saw her. She was much more popular than I was, and I was kind of like her side kick. It was a one sided friendship, as I would always give her rides and do anything she wanted to do.  I didn’t realize at the time that she didn’t feel the same about the friendship as I did, even though I considered her my best friend.

 That summer after senior year, I was living with my Grandmother Cora at the time, and that was the first time I was introduced to the rave scene. I was introduced through a mutual friend thru my former best friend that we both went to St. Mikes with. My former best friend was was also introduced to the scene and the drugs, but because she had a much stable and healthier upbringing and did not have as much traumatic experiences as I had growing up, she didn’t get into the rave scene as much as I did. The rave scene was the first time in my life I felt like I belonged. Drinking and doing drugs provided the escape from my dysfunctional family life I was looking for. It also provided relief from my overwhelming anxiety. During my senior year of high school, I was T-boned in a bad car accident a few months before I graduated from high school. I a few ribs and had bad whiplash but I didn’t realize at the time that I was suffering from PTSD. I also was struggling with anxiety after ending my long term relationship, due to it becoming toxic and my ex becoming abusive towards me. When I found the rave, I finally started to feel like I was around people who related to me also, people who also had grown up with alcoholic or dysfunctional and divorced families, and many who also experienced abuse and trauma, like I had growing up. On top of it, it provided the musical and dance outlet I craved. When I used to go to church, I was very active on the youth worship team and had grown up in and out of dance classes in Santa Fe. Even though looking back at it and realizing it was a shallow social scene full of substance abuse, destructive individuals, and creeps, I had finally felt like I found my people. I find my people amongst the other misfits and people who were broken or traumatized. I was naive and didn’t realize at the time that it would eventually early kill me. I had an experience after my senior year of high school, with the friend who introduced me to the rave scene, where I got alcohol and drug poisoning, and was passed out for 12 hours. Instead of taking me to the ER, these former “friends” were scared of getting in trouble, and nearly risked my life by letting me sleep it off. I was unconscious and vomiting in my sleep. You would think this experience would be enough to get me to quit drinking, but unfortunately it did not stop there. This is one of the times in my life where I almost died from drug and alcohol poisoning. 

After high school, I was accepted to a few colleges with full ride scholarships, since I had graduated from Santa Fe High with a 3.8 GPA. Instead of going to UNM like everyone else was, I decided to go to DU, a.k.a., the University of Denver. My dad took me to Denver to visit the campus my senior year, and I was attracted to the school because it was a great school, but also because it was mostly a business school. My father owned a business, and this was a great school for family businesses. Instead of studying business, I majored in English and Psychology. My first quarter was very difficult, to say the least, as I was still partying and on a bender from that summer after senior year of high school. My ex boyfriend who I dated for 3 years in high school and had broken up with after a short engagement, had also started stalking, harassing, and threatening me that summer. When I lived in Denver, I started drinking ALOT, especially that first quarter of classes. I didn’t know at the time I had untreated PTSD. I also drank because I didn’t fit in at the school, as most of the people who went there were wealthy. My roommate also disliked me so much that she made it so that I had to move out and into another dorm. It was another repeat of high school. Nothing in my life was stable or permanent. No one stuck around and no matter where I went or what I did, someone hated me and wanted to sabotage me. I eventually failed a class and then spent the entire year on academic probation. The partying didn’t stop in Denver, and my attraction to the rave scene grew even more in intensity. I eventually dropped out of the school and moved back home to New Mexico. It was the first time I had a mental health breakdown with depression to the point I could not get out of bed and sadly had to leave college. 

On top of all the adversity I faced growing up in those schools, I was also dealing with a dysfunctional and at times abusive environment at home. My parents divorce was very hard and left our family split apart, with me living with my Dad full time and one of my brothers living with my Mom full time and the other living with them both 50/50. I am the oldest in my family. I didn’t have an older sibling to look up to or turn to for advice. My own mother was abusive and hateful towards me, which is why I ended up living with my dad full time. Instead of having a mom who was nurturing and protective, mine was unstable and alcoholic. I often envied other people who had older siblings, sisters, or mothers who treated them well. I envied others who grew up with more stable upbringings and families. My Grandmother Cora took the place of my mother, and we developed a very close relationship. I eventually moved in with her my senior year of high school, and had lived with her on and off during college breaks. I also lived with her when I dropped out of DU, before I decided to finish my studies at UNM. 

I’ll spare the rest of my story for another blog post, but something I have realized in the past few years, after being a Domestic Violence Survivor from my last toxic relationship and loosing “best friends” is that I had been attracting the same Narcissistic types into my life as my mother. I was so codependent in my relationships and friendships that I would do anything to save them, even if they were treating me badly. I had this big hole and void inside of me from feeling lonely most of my life that I thought needed to be filled with people and with escaping reality through mind altering substances. Only in the past couple of years, thanks to all the time I have had off from the pandemic and therapy have I realized how dysfunctional and toxic some of my friendships and relationships were in the past. I finally found a therapist who was willing to truly work with me and was actually effective at helping me delve into some of my trauma. Before working with her, I didn’t know that some of my ” best friends” were actually toxic and actually trying to sabotage me behind my back, and only found out some of their true intentions, only after it was too late. I also had to cut off a friend this year who told me she was jealous of me for being more attractive to men than her, and she started treating me badly for no reason. Now that I am completely sober, I have found it much easier to weed out the toxic types from my life and realize where I might be seen as vulnerable to others. I now recognize the Narcissist and other toxic personality types that so often are attracted to me and can easily weed them out of my life before I get too involved. 

 The pain of loosing my Grandmother five years ago after her lengthy battle with breast cancer is one of the hardest things I have ever gone through. I wish I knew what it was like to have had a true support system. It was hurtful to turn to friends, friends who I always was there for thru hard times, who made it apparent they were not going to be there for me as support. At 34 years old, I never imagined myself living alone, single, childless, and living in my hometown, where I was bullied and out casted for much of my childhood and teenage years. I always thought I would have caring, loving, healthy friendships. I didn’t know, not until my Granma died and my ex assaulted me a few months later, that I was the one attracting these toxic people into my life and not protecting myself and my energy with others. I didn’t know that I was co-dependent to the core. I also didn’t know that my introvert and shyness made people feel uncomfortable, and that a lot of people who hated me actually were intimidated. I also didn’t know that my looks were also threatening to some insecure women, and that some of my frenemies were actually jealous and trying to sabotage me behind my back. In a lot of ways, my bullies and haters did defeat me and broke me down. But, I’m not completely broken. I am actively healing and my belief in a Higher Power and knowledge that no matter what people try to do to hurt me, I am divinely protected and that karma always wins in the end. I don’t have to give in to people trying to break me down, and instead, I am resilient now in the face of adversity. I am learning and growing every day, and learning to be selective with who I let into my inner circle. I recently donated money to a local non profit that helps bullying in the schools. After feeling depressed and suicidal and even acting on my suicidal tendencies and self destructive habits, I have resolved to look forward into the future and leave the past and all the people in it behind. People do not always have your best interest but that’s okay, their opinions don’t really matter in the end. All that matters is how I feel about myself and the people who truly love and care about me, my family. I’m still figuring out who my people are, but I’m glad I never have to go back to the people who showed me their true colors and intentions, that I don’t have to beg to fit in out of fear and that by just being and loving myself, I will attract the right people. I can finally be un apologetically me and comfortable in my own skin and that I don’t have to dumb myself down or not show off my attractiveness to help sooth other people’s egos who are threatened or intimidated by me. I also don’t have to stoop down to other toxic people’s level and still act kind and compassionate to others. I’m grateful for my Grandmother who showed me unconditional love. She was a strong, independent woman who never gave up no matter how hard life got, no matter how many people abandoned her, she never went down to their level and always stood by her morals and values. I won’t ever give up either or let anyone break me to the point I stop loving and being myself, no matter what anyone says about me or what people try to do to me to break me down. I’m cleaning out the past, clearing up the present, and preparing for a much better future and much better people in it! Out with the old to prepare for the new: I’m truly excited for this new chapter in my life and ready to rebuild my life in this post pandemic world and come out much stronger, wiser, and better than the person I was before. My past has only taught me valuable lessons, lessons I will carry with me for the rest of my life. Life is about the journey not the destination, and I’m excited to see where my new life and my new me takes me, one step and one day at a time. kin